The moment has come when what I need is a big dose of something that will make me feel better. The fragmentation of humanity, the sickness of insecurity and power, divisions left like open wounds that are festering in the late spring. I feel it in the back of my throat when I wake up in the morning, the roughness of the tongue, gulping back the dry, itchy feeling of fear in what will show up on my news feed, pulling my phone to my face and opening my emails.
It’s almost too much to bear. My emotions are on overdrive after the slightest apocalyptic note about today’s undoing. The upset leaves me feeling constantly attacked from all angles. And yes, I do feel better when I stay away from the news. It is necessary to have a reset. But I also know how important it is to bear witness. To be called to observe what is happening and to ask myself what I am going to do about it. Asking myself what I have control over and how I will use my voice to speak out, to stand up.
In these moments I wonder about the balms that can support the roughness. These aches, these pains, these emotional upwellings that cause my whole system to go into shock. I am reminded of the power that I have and the goodness of seemingly simpler times. How in love I was with being alive and what made me feel was rolling with my windows down, listening to music that was before my time, but never lost its resonance. I am returning to those moments where I can, allowing the nostalgia work as medicine to greet me where I am. A bit older. Carrying a bit more weight of the world on my shoulders.
I know it isn’t going to resolve the underlying issue, these notes and melodies flowing through my body. But perhaps it will give me some moments to rest. To restore myself in the good that I need. The reminder of what matters most right now. Taking care of myself, remembering my younger self, and spending a few minutes consumed by the spaces of contentment, is enough for moving myself forward in these trying times. A way to restore myself, to connect. To know that nothing is forever. For a few moments I will be in these memories to soothe the edges.