Space again. Space in my head. Space to move my body. Remembering to take it slow and to be easy on myself while also allowing myself the movement forward. Propelling myself to where I want to go and realizing it will take time. It will take energy. And that energy is well spent, figuring out the line on the horizon I’m aiming for; how I want to participate in the good.

Hot summer in the early hours of the day, the sun beating down on the sidewalks. No real reprieve from the heat in this floor to ceiling windowed apartment. Not that it’s a bad thing, but air flow is limited. Stagnating breath and mechanical whirs from the plastic paddles spinning in the background. I find myself looking for ice, sparkling among the carbonated mineral water, and asking if I should wear pants or just let myself be in my skin. At least a bit of tea, hot along my tongue, reminds me of what I want to be doing and where I want to be spending my time: morning ambitions of the day glistening in my head. 

I am finding I want less. Trying to do less with what I have and to be more conservation-minded in my use of all things. More appreciative of the tiny moments, sucking the last bits of sweetness from the strawberry tops and watching the shadows cast along the floor. It’s a movement away from the pressures of a year with my nose buried in books, filling my head with cerebral stimulation. 

Only to come back and realize there is more to do. There is more to consider. There is more to focus on as I move into a phase of what comes next. Learning what I want to say and figuring out how to say it in a way that is authentic. In a way that is meaningful. In a way that brings me much closer to the parts of myself that allow me to think more clearly. With more honesty and more conciseness. 

At least giving myself these moments because what I want the most of is to love where I am. To love what I have. To do more of what I can in the moments I’m here and do it with a deep consideration and recognition of those around me. To make the best of the time I have and to remember to play. To open up to what matters for leisure and to allow myself to be okay with the wobbly routine. At least there are signposts in the road and where I want to go is getting closer to the good that comes from being in the moment. To being at home in the consciousness of what I’m doing and why it matters.

Reminding myself to be kind and being kind in a way that brings me the most joy without stifling my own voice. With maintaining the respect that is necessary to move into a space of more trust, more generosity. More focus on what I’m doing and why it matters. There is an exploration within that comes when I can create enough space to appreciate it. And what I want right now is intention — the art of attention. What matters. Where I can open up into with a much more connected sense of self. 

In that, finding more of myself in a space of being home. Being true. Perhaps  in this way I can stop being so obsessed with the sensationalized considerations of the world and be more centered with what I’m doing in the short term. To be more centered with what I’m doing as I move closer to what matters to me. And what matters to me in this moment is being present. To give my attention to what I want and need. And to do it in a way that brings me closer to where I want to go. In all the ways. It’s much more about trust, more about what else I can do for myself. And loving that into existence, even if I can’t make out exactly what that transforms into as the future nears.